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INAPPROPRIATE

STUDENT-ATHLETE BEHAVIOR

There are times when all athletes fail to behave in a manner commensurate with the expectations most of us have for proper behavior.  If such a lapse in proper sports decorum is very episodic, it is probably nothing to worry about and probably does not require any special intervention.  Sometimes, however, athletes, young and old, develop a pattern of behaving poorly on the field of competition and this needs to be dealt with in some fashion.  What constitutes a "pattern" is often a matter of individual interpretation based on expectations and one's degree of tolerance, but when it is determined some type of intervention is needed, both the coach and parents need to be involved.  There are two basic types of strategies (behavioral and cognitive) which should be used somewhat simultaneously to deal with problem behavior. 

Let's look at the behavioral strategies first.  Coaches should establish and make known to the players and parents their Code of Conduct before the first practice.  This should be their standard for appropriate behavior.  The Code of Conduct should, for example, clearly state what a player should do if he/she does not agree with an official's call, what the defensive unit should do after the opposing team scores, or how players should act when the coach makes a substitution.  Coaches should also establish and make known to the players and parents the consequences of not behaving in the manner prescribed and coaches must be willing to enforce the Code of Conduct even if it means benching the team's best player.   When dealing with "the poorly acting player" there is no room for favoritism or special treatment.  Everyone must be held to the same standards.  Parents also should establish a family "code of conduct" for their son or daughter which may be more stringent (but not less stringent) than that which is set up by the coach.  In other words, parents may tolerate less than a coach when it comes to inappropriate behavior, but not more; parents can let the coach deal with inappropriate behavior, but should never suggest to their son that not following the coach's Code of Conduct is okay.  Parents also need to give the coach explicit permission to bench their son or daughter for violations of the team rules.  Parents need to get away from worrying about whether disciplining their son or daughter will ruin his or her chance to play on the high school team or receive a college scholarship.   Parents need to focus on what will make their son or daughter a better person, a better adult, or a better employee.

The second major component for dealing with an athlete who behaves poorly involves cognitive strategies.  These strategies are usually left to the parents, but a good coach who has a high level of rapport with his or her player may be able to use them as well.  The major focus here is to determine, or to help the athlete determine, the reason behind the poor behavior and then to develop alternative ways to accomplish what the behavior is attempting to accomplish for the athlete.  For example, a tennis player may throw her racket after missing an overhead slam.  By doing this,  she may be telling the audience she is a better player than that shot would suggest or that she has high expectations for her performance.  The goal of cognitive strategies would be to help her identify and then practice more appropriate ways of communicating this to the fans and, more importantly, to herself.   Tennis great Bjorn Borg went from throwing rackets as a teen to the icy stare of a professional as a way of saying "I know I can do better than that"  or  "That was the worst call I have ever seen."  Consider another example.   What does it mean when a soccer player rips off his jersey and throws it on the ground or a football player jerks off his helmet and throws it against the bench in obvious disappointment after his team has lost a game?  This type of action could mean the player has placed too much importance on the outcome of the game or that his self-esteem is too tied to the outcome (i.e., he is a good person only if he plays on a winning football team).  It could also mean he has poor frustration tolerance.  In this example, it would be critical to help the young athlete put the game in some proper perspective.  Try one more example.  Elbows are a natural part of playing basketball as the use of an elbow and arm can help a player establish better position on the opponent.  However, elbows to the head or simply shoving an opponent out of the way should never be tolerated.  When an athlete uses an inappropriate or possibly even a dangerous tactic, all in the guise of wanting to win, an intervention is necessary.  Benching the out of control player would be a good first step, but this should be followed by efforts to help him learn other ways to accomplish his goal and ways to cope with the stress of competition. 

These would be examples of issues which should be addressed by the parents, possibly with the help of the coach or a trained professional.   If you are the parent of a child who acts inappropriately on the playing field, try the following tips:

Make sure the coach has established an appropriate Code of Conduct.   This should be a list of Dos and Don'ts as well as a list of consequences for any failure to comply with the Code.

Make sure you, the parent, have gone over this with your child and feel free to add to the list anything which will ensure better, more appropriate behavior.  Remember this is your child, so do not depend on the coach to set all the standards.    

Tell your child you will have the coach bench him or her if he behaves in an inappropriate manner and mean it.  If he/she does not act properly, talk to the coach and have your child sit the rest of the game. 

Be sure to give the coach your explicit support to enforce the Code of Conduct fairly among all players including your own. 

Take a look at what your child is doing that is disturbing to you.  What is the message being conveyed by the behavior? 
          Does he feel a need to be perfect? 
          Is his self-esteem too tied to the outcome of a game? 
          Is there a problem with frustration tolerance? 
          Is he putting too much pressure on himself? 
          Is anyone else (i.e., you) putting undue pressure on him?
          Does he have a role model who behaves poorly?

Let's look at these in more detail.  If you determine your daughter has a need to be perfect, the first place to start would be with a discussion about how no game or sport is a game of being perfect.  The truth is that the winning person or team is usually the team who makes the "best mistakes" meaning they make mistakes that do not hurt their effort as much as the mistakes made by the other team.  For example, consider the difference between an interception which leads to a touchdown versus an interception on the final play of the first half.  Both will go in the record book as an interception for the quarterback, but clearly one was worse than the other. 

It is troubling when a player's self-esteem is too closely linked to the outcome of a game.   The main problem here is that the self-esteem is being linked to something that is outside the athlete's control.  She has control over the swing she made and how solid she hit the ball, but the fact that it was hit right at the shortstop is not easily within her sphere of control.  You might help her by tracking the number of times she hit the ball hard and not the number of hits she got during a game.  Or you might track the number of good pitches she swings at and not the number of hits.  In a sport  like baseball or softball, it will be important to help her understand that the most successful players get a hit less than fifty percent of the time.   Set up new, more appropriate goals (and rewards for achieving them) and help her track them. 

Frustration tolerance is often linked to unreasonably high expectations and the unavoidable consequence of failing to meet those high expectations.  Setting new goals (with the help of the coach if possible) which are more appropriate for the player's skill level and which should then be more obtainable will help.  Make sure the goals involve things he can control.  The quarterback on the team cannot totally control his completion percentage.  After all, he only throws the pass, he does not catch them, too!   Help him become a good judge about when he threw a good pass and when he did not throw a good one.  In this example, we might try to take his focus off whether the pass was completed and put his focus whether the pass was good tight spiral. 

Pressure can come from a variety of sources.  Certainly a player will put pressure on himself at times and this should be addressed.  If he is a member of a team, he needs to accept that the outcome depends on how well the team plays as a unit and also on how well the other team plays as a unit.   If she competes in an individual sport, the outcome is partly determined by how the other competitors perform.   She could have her best day but not win the tournament or she could play horribly and still win.   Set goals which help her focus on her personal best; that is something she controls.

Role models have a profound impact on how we learn to perform.  Make sure your athlete is patterning himself or herself after someone who knows how to behave appropriately.   Watch a sporting event with your child and talk about how the various players behave when things go well and when they do not.  Every professional running back fumbles the football but only some react with the grace and attitude of Emmitt Smith.  Have your son practice running like Smith, but also have him act like him, too.  Athletes should practice handling adversity, but it is important to make sure that they have a good role model when doing so.